You'll find your way

Thursday, February 10, 2011

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry. When everyone in the family was attacking you, I didn’t help the situation. I attacked you too, and I added to the revolú. I added to it and because of us constantly telling you how to live your life, we drove you away for two years. Life is short. Everyone makes mistakes. I realized that I, and we all, need to let you find your own way,” said Grandma.

I had been washing my mom’s dog, Lobo, blankets and towels at the washateria when my grandmother had called me asking if we could have lunch together at her house. I had no idea that we were going to talk seriously. Had I known, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to see her and she obviously knew it.

I was surprised by Grandma’s apology. Everyone in the family has their own theory as to why I disappeared and severed all contact with them because no one ever asked me what happened to make me flee. Titi Cathy thinks I left the family because I thought the family had problems with the fact that I’m gay. Titi Sandy didn’t care. She was just happy I was back. Grandma hit the nail on the head.

“Your mom is the happiest I’ve ever seen her. She’s at peace now because she has you back in her life. She loves having you home with her. She is so happy. I’m so relieved to see her happy because with your disappearance, she was really suffering. She changed. Now that you’re back and she’s a part of your life, she’s always happy,” she said.

“Well, thank you Grandma. I really appreciate it. It means a lot. Really, it means more than you know,” I say, toying with her frayed emerald blanket.

“You’ll find your way, Tina. Have faith. God takes care of us all. He brought you back to us. He has a plan for you. You are brilliant! You’re so beautiful. Your future is so bright. Sometimes, I’m jealous I’m not you. Don’t worry. Pray and everything will come together.”

Gabby comes over to Grandma’s house so we can go shopping downtown at Forever 21. She was going to a concert that night and still didn’t have an outfit. We thank Grandma for everything and depart quickly.

“What was that all about?” Gabby asks when we get in my car.

“Grandma apologized to me.”

“Whoa,” Gabby says.

“I know! And look at all the goodies she gave me. I have a new pair of yoga pants, two shirts, shoes for my interview tomorrow and this adorable Ralph Lauren boyfriend blazer,” I say giddily. It’s impossible to leave Grandma’s without something new.

We have lunch at Which Wich, share an Oreo shake and go to Forever 21. She finds the dress she had been eyeing for a week, purchases it and we leave to go back to Spring. I drop her off and call my cousin, Monica, to see where she is so that we could catch up and I could see her since my arrival.

Monica isn’t my biological cousin. She is Titi Marta’s niece but as Titi Marta married into the family, Monica isn’t really related to me. We still called each other cousins and we had forged a friendship when she had first moved to Texas from New York. She is four years older than me and absolutely nothing like me. Whereas I am the kind of girl who looks like she comes from the island, Monica looks exactly like who she is – Nuyorican. She is straight to the point, she doesn’t lie to you about anything, she curses every other word and she is hysterically funny. We had always gotten along. In high school when she as a senior and I had been a freshman, she invited me to hang out with her and her friends in the morning before the bell rang. I had always been grateful to her for showing me that kind of familial loyalty and for going out of her way to make sure I felt like I had a place. The first time I had ever hung out with her and her friends, she asked me, what the hell is that shit in your hair? I told her, a ribbon. No, she said. Take that shit out. You’re not a fucking cheerleader. That’s not cute. Take it out, she said. That’s Monica.

We didn’t see each other or talk often over the years but I always made it a point to visit her at least once or twice a year to catch up on each other’s lives. The best part about being friends with Monica is that she never charges me for the relationship. She never says, why haven’t I seen you or is mad because I was in town and didn’t visit her. We see each other when we see each other and we always pick up right where we left off.

Monica says she had borrowed Titi Marta’s car and was dropping it off. Since Gabby lived right down the street, I offered to pick her up and take her home because she was on my way anyway. She has two kids and doing the car switcheroo with Titi would be troublesome for her so I offered to help her out because Monica lives down the street from me anyway. Also, we would have time to catch up and I could tell her why I was really back in Houston.

We catch up, Gabby comes over to Monica’s so I can do her makeup for her Mac Miller concert and I go home. I am exhausted from my day of driving around Houston and spending time with people but I am proud of myself. I am slowly becoming less anti-social and spending time with others, most importantly with my family.

She and I text each other all night. I had a couple glasses of wine and was talking way more than I wanted to but I couldn't restrain myself. I miss her. As terrible as she was to me recently and as badly as she has treated me in the past, I still love her. I can’t help it. I’d like to be able to turn off all of my feelings for her and while I have separated myself from her, I still have an attachment to her that I am not sure will ever go away. I am always conscious of my feelings and when I feel that I am missing her or wanting to initiate conversations, I stop, analyze my feelings and rein in any feeling that resembles missing her or loving her. But tonight, I couldn’t stop texting her.

There is a term in Portuguese that Brasilians use often and I’ve always hated that there is no word in the English language that is equivalent. The word saudade means to miss someone so much it hurts you. Eu tenho saudade de ella. Saying, ‘I miss her,’ just doesn’t explain it well enough.

10:45 p.m.

Are you going to sleep now?

10:47 p.m.

Yes I am. Go to sleep, she says.

10:48 p.m.

Oh sorry. Ok.

10:49 p.m.

Night night, she says. I love you.

10:50 p.m.

I love you too.