Did you schedule another colonic?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

It has been nothing short of a blessing the amount of love, support and strength I have received from my family and friends. I am truly amazed and overwhelmed by the texts, phone calls, emails and visits I have received and for that I cannot express how incredibly grateful I am. It is so easy to forget how much you’re loved, especially when you don’t hear from others on a regular basis. It’s easy to take others love for granted.

The person I am most grateful and indebted to is my mother. With a two-year hiatus in our relationship, she has accepted me back home with open arms and no questions. I am so happy to reestablish our relationship. I look forward to getting to know who she is and letting her know who I now am. She is extremely gracious in letting me stay at her house while I find a job and cement my standing here in Houston.

With that being said, my mom is the typical overbearing Latin mother who wants to run my life.

Below, is the 19 point contract my mother made me sign before I could begin living in her house. Note, this is after I had said there needed to be revisions. She agreed, and added even more rules.

1.       Get up every morning at 7:00 a.m. and get dressed to suit the day’s appointments. Go out and reach out to people (even if you just end up in McDonalds or Starbucks every morning).

2.       Be up by 8:00 a.m. every Sunday so that we can go to church at 8:45 a.m.

3.       Be in bed and lights out by 11:00 p.m. each night. This is critical. No late nights writing emails or on FB. NO EXCEPTIONS.

4.       Make a list of all the companies you’ve sent your resume to and try to reach out to people that may work there.

5.       Update your portfolio and have it ready at a moment’s notice so that you are in a position to gain employment asap.

6.       Join the In-Between Jobs Ministry that assists you with networking and job hunting.

7.       Make a lunch date with your mom every week to provide progress on how you are moving forward and advise where you might need assistance.

8.       Volunteer at a local association or library part-time. This will allow you to continue to build your network and help others that may be in need of your expertise.

9.       Get a physical. It is critical that you are healthy and well.

10.   Join a gym as you need to exercise every day. No exceptions.

11.   No name calling, cursing or bringing up the past if you disagree with your roommates. Fight fair.

12.   Assist with the house chores and be cognizant that your brother has been an ‘only child’ for five years. Time will be needed by everyone to adjust. Be patient please.

13.   Do not take others’ belongings without prior permission.

14.   Sit with your family for dinner every night and be grateful that you have each other to count on.

15.   Walk Lobo twice a day as this will help me and be good therapy for you.

16.   No sulking or moping around allowed ever. We’re allowed our off days, but when you feel that way, make sure to sit in the sun or reach out to someone.

17.   Be responsible for your existing bills and you will need to pay $50/month in rent.

18.   Be positive, grateful and realize that God has a plan for you.

19.   We will try this arrangement for six months and see how it goes during that time. At the end of that period, we will reevaluate and determine how to move forward.

Today is only my fourth day home. I am grinding my teeth, starting hard at my computer screen ignoring her endless stream of questions and restraining my hands looping them through the chair cutouts as to not fly across the room and throttle her. A lot of what was stipulated in her contract is common sense but others are a bit much. I’m almost 100% sure that one or both of us will not make it to the end of the six months.

“Did you make yourself a juice?”

“Did you take your vitamins?”

“Did you sign up for yoga?”

“Did you get car insurance?”

“Did you schedule another colonic?”

Yes, you read correctly. Today, for the first time, I had a colonic or what is known as colon hydrotherapy, in which 3 gallons of water are floated into your colon and it flushes out stored waste. At the suggestion of my mother, I agreed to try colon hydrotherapy. It’s something that I’ve been interested in for years and with my mother’s urging that it was a soothing experience, I agreed that it would be the perfect thing to jump-start my fitness regimen.

It was not a soothing experience. I had an old lady see my butt and then violate it. It was, in a word, uncomfortable. After talking to her about the benefits of colon hydrotherapy and what accumulated waste can do to your body, I am convinced that this experience, albeit strange, was a good one for me. I would even go insofar as to recommend it. I feel strangely alert. Everything seems brighter and clearer.

I have already modified my diet beginning with a freshly squeezed concoction of vegetable and fruit juices for breakfast, ground turkey and guacamole for lunch and red lentils for dinner. I’ve drank almost a gallon of water today and I can already feel my body responding to its new healthy lifestyle. I am learning how to take care of my body and health. My family is not athletic by any means. I have never tried eating healthy and seeing what my body is capable of doing. I’m excited to push myself. I had promised myself when I was younger that by the time I was 30, I would have run a marathon. Time is running out. I will run, at least, a 5k by the end of this year.

Its true what they say; love fucking hurts. I am down ten pounds in two weeks. I hope to continue my fitness journey (the right way) and be bikini ready by this summer.