Fight club

Thursday, February 17, 2011

7:59 p.m.

I’m on meds now. Happy?

I had been to see the doctor earlier and she had prescribed me Zoloft. I don’t think it is nearly strong enough and neither does my aunt but we will see how the next month goes. An hour passed and she still hadn’t answered me. After drinking, I was feeling courageous and full of fire. I snapped.

9:07 p.m.

You dislike confrontation so much that you can’t even answer my text. Honestly, I’m happy you kicked me to the curb because now I can see you for the heartless bitch you really are. I looked past it when we first got together because I felt so special that you finally loved me back, but that’s just it – I gave you everything. I always let you have your way because I loved you so much I always wanted you to be happy and you loved that. You don’t love me. You only love the way I love you. I am disgusted by your immaturity and assumption that we’ll get back together whenever you decide I’m good enough.

And then you say you want to marry me? The wedding vows are ‘in sickness and health’ and you left me. You’ve been thinking about leaving me since Thanksgiving. Did you think I was stupid? Regardless if this was a good idea or not, it warranted a conversation and you are such a coward that you decided to spring it on me at the last minute giving me four days to wrap up my life and leave. Have you even tried, for a second, to imagine what it is like to be me right now? Of course not, because you’re less stressed without bills and me in your life.

Regardless of my depression, I was always good to you. I treated you the best. I would have never done this to you. I would have talked to you. I can’t believe I meant so little to you that you couldn’t even talk to me about us and your feelings. I can’t believe that I was so miniscule in your life that I deserved such disrespect. I dare you to find someone better. My depression is temporary. It says nothing of my character. How you ended our relationship, does.

And don’t take this text as an example of my lack of courage in calling you and telling you over the phone. I texted you because not only can I not stand the sound of your voice right now, I’m showing you the same respect and treatment you showed me. You wanted to be immature and juvenile, so I’m serving it right back. If you want to talk about our relationship, for God’s sake, make friends! Learn how to trust people. Talk to Yvette, Stefan, Ethan – anybody else but Caity. She’s not even gay. You are so blind. I can’t believe you never saw how she can’t stand me. She’ll lie to you saying she has nothing against me. Now that we’re not together anymore, I’m not going to pretend. She hasn’t liked me since UH and I’m saddened you never saw that.

Yet again, goes to show how you love your friends and others tearing me down, making fun of me. You never ever come to my defense. You laugh with them or point out more of my flaws for people to pick on me. What kind of girlfriend does that? And you want to be my wife?!

She calls me asking me where all of this is coming from. I tell her I snapped. We immediately begin yelling at each other. The conversation lasted 16 minutes and I can’t even remember most of it. It’s a blur. We were both so busy yelling at each other trying to say what we wanted, that we weren’t listening to one another.

She said that she tried to make me happy but she couldn’t and she was tired of trying. She didn’t want to tell me a month in advance because why would that change anything. I would have been mad at her for a month and she didn’t want to live with that. She admits that she should have told me in advance but maintains that she made the correct decision. She tell me that I'm no longer the person she fell in love with. She yelled at me saying, how dare you several times. She flipped out when I told her about Caity and told me to call her when I grew up. She hung up on me.

10:05 p.m.

Thank you. i appreciate what you said.

!0:23 p.m.

I wish you would have talked to me.

10:24 p.m.

Ditto, she says.

10:25 p.m.

I'm sorry. Obviously, one of our problems. You really made me feel so inconsequential. I thought we loved each other. I just don't understand. I'm not saying I'm without fault. I should have tried harder but you never said you were so stressed out by me. I just wish you would understand or try to and talk to someone who knew what I was going through.

10:27 p.m.

I'm trying to. I promise I am. But you need to try too. Try to understand how I feel. And I'll do the same. I need some time to cool off. We'll talk later.

10:32 p.m.

 

What makes you think I haven’t been cooling off? I’m just trying to hold my tongue because I love you so much and because I’ve been feeling like I’m crazy and I should just end my life. Make everyone happier. Everyone’s life would be easier without me. As much as you have thought differently of me these past two years, it’s a temporary condition. I haven’t been me, I admit, but its temporary. I would have never thought in a million years that you would give up on me. Something fixed my medication, no less.

Believe me, I tried my hardest. But unfortunately for you, that was my best. I need help and I’m trying. I just never thought you would leave me. I thought of us as a married couple already so nothing could make me leave you. But now, I understand you regard our relationship differently and I will back off now, too. I’m sorry I placed stress on you. I should have known better, not leaned on you so much. I should have kept to myself and I won’t depend on you ever again. But I appreciate your support for the past two years and I’m sorry I down-spiraled into depression and turned into a person you didn’t want to be with.

10:48 p.m.

A relationship takes two whole people. You have to be good on your own before you can love someone else. I couldn’t make you happy. I tried, but I couldn’t. You can’t depend on me. You can’t depend on us. You have to do it yourself. We’ll talk later.

10:50 p.m.

I know that. I tried my best. Now, I need to be alone and away from you. You’re not perfect as much as you think you are for putting up with a depressed person like me. I am not saying that to be hurtful but that’s how you act. My condition is temporary but it has nothing to do with my character. The way you treated me in the end of our relationship, does. You assumed everything. You never even gave me a choice.

10:52 p.m.

I’m done talking. Stop texting me.