Monday, February 07, 2011
Last night, I dreamt of her. Even in my dream, I was angry with her. I was short and purposely being mean to her. So naturally, I awoke grumpily, stumbling around in my cow slippers in a confused stupor. I rarely remember my dreams. To say I had woken up on the wrong side of the bed would have been an understatement. I remained in a hyper emotional state all day, tearing up when Pink’s new single, Perfect, came on the radio when I was driving in my car to the post office. Along with ‘Perfect’, Bruno Mars’ ‘Grenade’ is another song I cannot listen to right now. I have been bouncing from boiling rage to quiet sadness all day and I do not want to be around anyone or talk at all. Unfortunately, living with my Puertorican mom, this is not an option. Puertoricans love being in your business and knowing every detail about your life. Mom always wants me in a happy mood. Always. If I’m not, she will berate me incessantly until I tell her what it is that is bothering me. She constantly wants to be apprised of my feelings, my day’s events and my life. I know she’s concerned but right now it is nothing but annoying. I kept my headphones in all day and didn’t say more than five words to Nick today.
I am still really angry and hurt. It has only been a week but this past week seemed to last a month and I am ready to get past these feelings because I know they are holding me back from being who it is I truly am. My anger and pain was only exacerbated by the fact that a week ago yesterday was when I had told her I didn’t want to speak to her for a week. She never contacted me. Though I was the one who said that I didn’t want to speak to her, I expected at least some effort on her part. I didn’t hear from her today either. I almost texted her twice today but I stopped myself, or rather, my cousin did. Gabby is right. She will only make me feel worse and possibly lay more blame on me, or worse, pretend nothing is wrong which will make me feel absolutely wretched. Clearly, she is waiting for me to make the first move, in which case, I will take my time. She is the one who wanted me living four hours away so she will receive exactly what she wanted. She wanted me to get a life and I slowly am in the process of doing so. As such, this “life” I have now acquired keeps me busy and I am just unavailable at the moment. Besides, I really have no idea what I would say to her or what we would talk about. ‘I heard you guys had crazy weather in DFW,’ just doesn’t sound very genuine.
I was rather productive today. I, finally, began reading again. I have been trying to read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo but so far, it has been really boring. I can usually finish a book even when it’s boring because I am so curious to see how the book ends, but this book is really difficult to finish. I have gotten to page 210, about a third of the book’s entirety, and it has become a smidge more interesting. I hope to finish it as soon as possible so I can begin The Girl Who Played with Fire. Hopefully, the second book in the trilogy is more engaging.
I also rescheduled my doctor appointment for tomorrow morning. I am going to the doctor to get a physical and my blood work done. I haven’t had a physical since I lived in Philly and with the way I haven’t been taking the best care of myself, I want an idea of the damage I’ve done and how to rectify it.
I called In Between Jobs Ministry so that I can take classes on networking and resume building. I don't feel that I need additional training in these areas as I meet people easily and my resume looks identical to my mom's, but I figure it can't hurt anything. I called Craig McDonnell from The Management Network Group and told him I was interested in applying for a position with their company. I heard about Craig from one of my mom’s friends who has a network database she made for friends and family. She emailed me that The Management Network Group is a company specializing in global communications who is currently hiring a large amount of people for their company. She emailed me his contact information a week ago but I had been dragging my feet because I was intimidated. The Management Network Group is trying to corner the market on cloud computing, something I know nothing about. But after my mother insisted that they are looking for all positions in the company and I would be trained on cloud computing, I decided to call him today and I sent him my resume. I also applied online, just to be thorough.
I called the psychiatrist again that I have been trying to get an appointment with and received his voicemail again. According to the voicemail, they would return my call within 24 hours. I, politely but irritatedly, told them on the voicemail I left them today that that was what the voicemail system had said when I left my first voicemail on Friday and I had yet to hear from them. I should be hearing from them very soon, I suspect.
I sent a thank you card to her family for the love, kindness and support they have given me over the past year of living in Arlington and promised to return it all to them in the future. I rushed to make it to the post office so that it could be mailed by today and arrive in Fort Worth within the next day or two. I really miss her family, especially her dad. He treated me as his own and I will be forever grateful for that love.
I drove to Meyer Park with the intent on running but when I parked, I don’t know what happened. I saw people running and I lost my drive. My Pandora app on my iPhone wasn’t working and I justified my bailing on running because I can’t run without music and told myself I would run in my neighborhood. That never happened either but at least I drove to Meyer Park today. Considering I haven’t been in years, I consider that a vast improvement. Tomorrow, I plan on actually running at Meyer Park.
After quitting on the idea of running, I cleaned up the rest of my room, hung up the remainder of my clothes with the hangers I bought at Family Dollar and applied to jobs off of the American Marketing Association newsletter. I accidentally broke my lamp while I was dancing to Rihanna’s ‘S&M’ and I was upset for a little because I really liked that lamp but quickly felt really happy. I couldn’t understand the rush of euphoria spreading through my body until I realized I feel better when I break something that used to belong to us. Right now, there is no us and the shattered lamp was an illustration of how I feel inside. Broken, cracked, missing pieces, shards of what used to be haphazardly strewn about the floor – all that I feel inside me. I felt relief when it broke and it felt great throwing it out.
Maybe I’ll break something again tomorrow.
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