Now, watch me shine

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I began this blog to begin writing as I have always wanted to do for the past ten years of my life. I have been scared because I have always thought, who am I to write? What qualifies me to write and expect others to read it? After reading an article from a now published author who said she once felt the same, I have decided not only to continue writing but that this, more than anything, is cathartic for me. I will write every day, even if just for the best or worst part of my day.

I am done with this situation with her entirely and ready to move on. In psychology, it’s said that after a loss you go through five stages – denial, sadness, anger, depression and acceptance. I am no longer in denial. I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare and now on my fifth day of living in Spring, I know that this is my new reality. Strangely enough, I have not cried much at all. I’ve teared up 3 times since my arrival, but not much crying. Maybe that’s because I’m past denial and sadness and well into pissed the fuck off.

I would have never done this to her. I have lost an incredible amount of respect for her. I don’t understand how she came to believe that not only was this decision the best for us, but how she revealed this information to me and thought it would all be okay. The decision, at the very least, warranted a conversation and some compromises. The abrupt halt to my life was jarring and I’m still suffering from whiplash.

Last night, I thought it was depression settling in when I decided I absolutely had to go to the supermarket and not only buy every piece of chocolate they sold in the store, but a hot fudge sundae from McDonalds, too – in 20 degree weather. This morning, I found out that it was just that time of the month for me. The most disappointing thing about my chocolate binge was that I never ate one piece of chocolate. I bought a Kit Kat, Butterfinger, Snickers, Twix, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Rolos, Peanut and Pretzel M&M’s, Double Stuf Oreos and Strawberry Milano cookies. I arrived home and opened my grocery bag to ogle my goodies. I was surprised that not one of the pieces of chocolate actually appealed to me. I thought to myself, well I’ll eat chocolate later, my sundae is melting. I had a Double Stuf Oreo, took one bite of my sundae and had to fight the wave of nausea that crashed over me. I’ve been eating so healthy that my body now rejects junk food. I can’t even fathom eating French fries or chips and queso. The idea makes my stomach hurt. It’s distressing that I am finally back in Houston and able to eat all of my favorite foods I’ve missed for the past three years and now, I, not only can’t, but I won’t.

That being said, I can only see the positive in my situation now. Friends and family keep calling, texting, emailing me with advice and all say what I already know; I am beautiful, intelligent, well-connected, cultured and strong. I shall overcome. In many ways, she did me a favor because I’m not sure I would have ever been able to make this decision. I am in no way wallowing in any misery or self-loathing. I am a great catch – period. This is her loss, because as it stands, the proverbial ball is in my court and I will decide if I want her back at the end of this year because I’m not sure quitting is a quality in someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have never quit anything in my life, ever, much less would I give up on my significant other. I’m at a point where it almost doesn’t matter because I really can’t be bothered to think about her anymore. Should we end up together, great. If not, great. But it is no longer at the forefront of my mind.

My youngest brother, Nicholas, was dumped by his girlfriend, too, so we have been leaning on one another for strength and understanding. While he is incredibly arrogant and loves to argue without knowing whether he is right or not, he has provided me the shoulder I need to cry on. He is constantly checking up on me, reading my facial expressions and tacking me to the ground or tickling me to cheer me up if he notices me being quiet. He got his license yesterday and as we are in Houston and you are constantly driving somewhere, we are always together. It’s really nice to be able to tell him that you can’t listen to a certain song on the radio and him immediately change it, with no questions asked.

The title of this blog isn’t meant to denote sadness or self-pity but rather the reality of our situation. This is now me without her and after six years of being together in some capacity, it is a completely new chapter of my life and it is important to note that this really is me without her. I don’t remember how to do me. I’m not sure if I even know who I am anymore. I had been giving so much of myself to her for so long that I lost me in the process. It’s time to give me, me. Right now, the title may imply negativity because of where I am emotionally, but it will very soon be my battle cry.

For every day that passes, a little more anger subsides and evaporates into my bright future. Now that I am becoming less angry, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and suffice it to say, we will most likely end up together in the future. However, the fact remains that she did decide this by herself and didn’t care about me enough to think about how drastically this would affect me or give me the time and notice to adjust to my new life. She knew better than anyone that I never wanted to return to Houston, much less live with my mother. She fucked me and she fucked me hard. Well love, fuck you too. I’m going to do me.

Now, watch me shine.